Getting Happy... when you wish you were dead

Day 96 – Thursday, 14 Feb

I had an appointment with Matthew Parks today. Maybe it was a good thing.

It’s Valentine’s Day, so of course I’m missing Maria even more today. I tell Matthew I’m pretty much resigned to giving Maria the divorce. It’s scheduled for next Tuesday – the 19th – and there’s really not much I can do about it. But inside I’m really just lost. I wish I could just go stick my head in the river and drown (although I don’t tell him that).

I’m so lost in my head that after I leave Matthew’s office, I hatch a hare-brained, last-ditch effort at getting Maria to change direction. After all, it's Valentine's Day, right? I'm not resigned to being divorced. I want to be with my wife and the kids.

So I criss-cross town getting the "magic charms" that will win Maria back to me.

My first stop is a mile south from Matthew's office to get a dark chocolate, 70% cocoa bar. Then it's a walk a mile north to get a Valentine's Day card from the grocery store. (Which is four blocks east from Matthew's office.) Then it's south again to meet with Dan Peterson at We Care. (Yep, that's just two blocks west from where I bought the chocolate bar.)

I had asked Dan to meet me so I could talk to him about my phenomenal plan for winning Maria. Dan had doubts. Dan expressed his doubts. I didn't listen. In fact, I had convinced myself that I was doing what Maria "really" wanted. Call me Captain Obvious, but just because you know you're making a choice doesn't mean you're making the right, best, or even rational choice.

I put the chocolate bar and card into a Ziploc baggie, walked north again to where Maria worked, and put the "presents" on the windshield of her car.

This would either finally break through, or be the last door closing.

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