Day 66 – Tuesday, 15 Jan

There's another hearing for the divorce today.

The judge refuses to give me more time to find a lawyer. Instead, he tells me to work out a settlement with Maria's lawyer.

When I raise the point that Maria's lawyer is hardly likely to have any care or concern for my best interests, he agrees.

"You're right. She isn't paid to look out for your interests; she paid to look after her client. So go talk to her, and see what you can work out."

He then adjourned the proceedings until January 22.

When I spoke with Joan Harrop, Maria's lawyer, outside the courtroom, she was confrontational and belligerent. She said she’s all on Maria’s side and what I want doesn’t matter.

Maria and I really did have our problems. I’d like to sit down and work them out, but that was one of our problems – we just didn’t communicate very well. It feels like everyone is lined up against me. That’s what gets me feeling angry and frustrated. And my lack of knowledge about how the courts work gets me feeling impotent.

There has to be a better way to get through this. What I feel is my choice, so how do I choose to feel differently? Can I really be happy even when everything feels like it’s going against me?

I also had a meeting with Matthew Parks today. I still won’t be attending group sessions. I’m certain I can get value from them, but I’m equally certain my feelings toward the staff would result in my being adversarial. That isn’t fair to them, me or the other participants.

Matthew was smart enough to ask again whether I trust him enough for him to be effective as a therapist. I remembered Cosmé’s advice about being careful with what I say to other mental health professionals. I’m willing to give him a second chance because I need/want his help with the book.