Day 45 – Tuesday, 25 Dec

This is the first time I write in my journal that I’m prepared to move on without Maria.

I think I can make something of my life. I haven’t felt like this in more than a year, and certainly not since Maria filed for divorce. There are things I’m still afraid of – being alone, an uncertain future, the challenge of the book – but I think I can make it. My faith in God is re-growing, and I realise part of my mistake was ignoring the support and comfort faith brings to your life.

It’s surprising to be happy on Christmas. I have some real bad memories of it from childhood, and as an adult I’ve mostly been alone and lonely during the holidays. Today I’m thinking of the real love and compassion I’ve seen in Maria during the holidays. I remember taking pictures of each of the kids when we wrapped them up in Christmas lights, and how much we enjoyed each other. I wish we could all go back to that happy time and start over from there.

I should have kissed the kids more often and made more effort to hug them. I have an intense fear of rejection and I know it. Yet I allowed it to control me. If I ever get a second chance (hopefully with Maria and the kids) I’m better prepared to do it differently; to love them better.