Day 34 – Friday, 14 Dec

This is the day I lost the first of my clients. It was hard to write them about what is happening, but I have to be honest about my ability to perform. I’m depressed all the time and it’s hard to keep my thoughts straight.

There's part of me that feels verified in losing the clients; even in having all of these negative things happen. That's scary. It isn't how anyone should feel, I know. There's a fatalism that builds up inside when you grow up with a lot of negative input. It's precisely like the line in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts says "It's easier to believe the bad stuff."

The easiest thing to do is scream about it all not being fair, but life simply isn't fair. Having my Aunt Geri die before I was ready to lose her wasn't fair - it wasn't what I wanted - but that didn't keep it from happening. How fair is it to have parents who don't want you around?

Fortunately, taking concrete action usually takes your mind off whether something is fair, or even wrong, and gets you thinking about what you can do about the situation. Filing the form to be declared a poor person, filling in the forms to respond to Maria's petition for divorce, and learning the ropes at PADS were all concrete actions. I remember sitting in the library thinking about that on this day.

An e-mail came from that first lost client today.

He said it was too bad about what was happening, and it explained why I hadn’t gotten things done.

The part about not having gotten things done doesn't sit well, but that's what has me thinking. I start looking at what I have gotten done in the last couple of weeks and what resources I have to keep working.

It's true that I can't effectively serve customers while homeless and going through a divorce. It's true that I'm homeless and have no income. It's also true that I still have my brain, my health, a place to stay each night, and can work at the library every day except Sunday. It isn't what I was planning for, or expecting, when I got home from Tennessee, but it's something to work with.

There was a project I launched on July 1st called Generation E. The vision for the project was to create the world's largest generation of entrepreneurs. The whole project can't go forward in my present circumstances, but part of it can. This book was part of that project, and I can still go forward with it.

Getting Happy... when you wish you were dead is my final healing step. It’s the tool I use for finally setting to rest the loose ends, hateful memories, and POOPy habits (Personally Offensive and Obstructive) I've picked up along the way.