Getting Happy... when you wish you were dead

Today is the first time I'm arrested.

"Good morning. Batterdrum County Sheriff's Office."

"Hi. I'm wondering how I arrange to go to my house and pick up personal belongings. You see, there's an order of protection and it says I'm supposed to arrange this through the Sheriff's office."

"May I have your name, please?"

"Sure. It's Conrad Hall."

"And the name of the person with the order of protection?"

"Maria Sanchez."

"Okay Mr. Hall. I have it." There is a brief pause. "Mr. Hall, I'm going to send Deputy Beech to meet you. May I ask where you are?"

"Sure. I'm at the Motel 8, room 116."

"Deputy Beech is on his way, Mr. Hall. Would you mind going out front and waiting for him?"

"Okay. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Have a nice day."

You don't really think they'd say he's on his way to arrest me, do you? Most people wouldn't wait around for the officer to arrive.

Deputy Beech is an older man, in his sixties. He stands about six foot four, and weighs at least three hundred pounds; most of it in his stomach. He's clean shaven, white hair, and a mostly pleasant demeanor. Suspecting nothing, I walked around to the driver's side when he arrived and leaned on the rear quarter panel of his cruiser.

"Conrad, why didn't you just do what I told you?" He asked as he got out of the car.


"I told you to leave Maria alone. I told you not to call, don't text, don't send e-mails, and stay away from her, didn't I?" It wasn't a question, and he was clearly not happy.

"With all due respect, officer," I said putting emphasis on the title, "you can say anything you want. What's the problem?"

"You have an order of protection against you. You did everything I told you to not do, so I'm sorry but I have to arrest you?"

"WHAT!? That order clearly says to refrain from doing any of those things. It's in big, bold letters. It says nothing about being prohibited or forbidden from anything." I shot back hotly.

"It doesn't matter what it says. It might say "refrain" on the page, but we treat it as you being prohibited."

And just that easily, I was arrested.

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