Day 130 – Wednesday, 20 Mar

Getting Happy... when you wish you were dead gelled in my mind today. I finally understand how I’ll put it together so it makes sense and people will – I hope – enjoy reading it.

I'll use this period of my life, and include flashbacks to my childhood. It really sank in today that suicide is about feeling disconnected and ineffective. So what if people can read this and see that, even when you're feeling hopelessly bad, there is still an opportunity to choose. There have been lots of days when choosing is the last thing I wanted to do, and there are likely to be more in the future. It isn't fun, but it's okay. Taking a day off - maybe a few days off - is sometimes what you need to do, I know. And then you come back, make some more choices, and get some more work done.

This is the hardest book I'll ever write. It’s my story, and it hurts to remember everything well enough to write it down. Okay. But that's what I need to do for my healing and progress. And who knows, maybe it helps just one person to choose getting happy when they're wishing to be dead.

I also finally let Maria go. Thinking about her and what she has done to me only gives away control of my life. It’s time to set that memory aside and focus on my forward progress. It’s time to write the book.

Today I am happy. There are sure to be up days and down days, achievements and disappointments, but I’ve learned how to start the day with gratitude and choose how I respond. I’m looking forward to sharing Getting Happy...when you wish you were dead.