Getting Happy... when you wish you were dead

Day 129 – Tuesday, 19 Mar

Today was one of my regular appointments with Matthew Parks. It turns out he is reading my blog. After we had a little chit-chat, he asked about the post I wrote yesterday.

"That's an interesting post you wrote yesterday."

"Thank you. I thought it made a good point."

"Yes, but I wonder how you were feeling when you wrote it. You skipped over a lot of stuff, didn't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, we've been talking for a few months, right?" I nodded in agreement. "In that time, you've gone back and forth a lot over Maria and how you feel. Sometimes you're ready to move on, sometimes you want to work things out, you're angry, you love her... It's hard to read your post and understand how it is that you're happy."

"Really." My voice was flat. This was truly annoying. This is the guy who is supposed to be supporting and encouraging my efforts, yet it feels like he takes every opportunity to poke holes.

"So, what? You're telling me that because I'm experiencing the normal emotional fluctuations of being betrayed, divorced, arrested, homeless, having a business disintegrate, and feeling like everyone is on my former-wife's side and against me, I can't possibly find any happiness in the day? What kind of crap is that?"

"You said it yourself, didn't you? How can you find be happy when you feel all that weighing you down?"

I laughed without mirth and replied, "Isn't that what you're supposed to be telling me? How to find a way to be happy?"

Matthew smirked. "I'm more interested in making sure you're being real with yourself, and not living in a delusion."

"Right. And, of course, if I can't be happy every minute of the day... if I'm not consistently happy without ever having thoughts of wanting to get even, or wanting to fix things, or whatever... I just can't be happy if I'm still having negative thoughts, is that it?"

"No, I'm not saying that. It just seems odd that you're dreaming of success with a book when you're homeless, and you're talking about being happy when even you say your emotions are all over the board. I wonder if you aren't kidding yourself just a little."

Talking with Matthew is often more frustrating than it is helpful.

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