Getting Happy... when you wish you were dead

Day 124 – Thursday, 14 Mar

We had a Motion Hearing on the property settlement today. Maria committed perjury again, only this time it was over several questions I put to her. I feel disappointment, and choose to not feel angry. I wish it were different between Maria and me, but I also accept that she’s on a course not easily changed now.

The judge wants to see proofs of our claims regarding property, so the case is continued until Thursday, 2 May at 9:30 am. He also orders Maria to surrender files from my office at the house. Those files contain receipts that prove my claims.

I had an appointment with Matthew Parks this afternoon and told him what happened. I also told him about telling the judge I think he is biased, and has judged this case unfairly. The judge’s reply was that it’s a bad idea to say something like that to him if I expect a favourable verdict. I guess he can’t see that this is the very attitude I’m complaining about. What justice is there if it requires kissing up to the judge?

We talked about me wanting to get back together with Maria, and that I don’t want to let things slide. I don’t think he understands – or doesn’t want to understand – that I expect Maria to own up to the lies she has told precisely because I do love her. How could we ever have a healthy, loving marriage if we’re not honest with each other? The thing that really chafes is that I think the only way Maria will admit to having lied is if she’s made to do it in court. Could any value ever come from forcing her to admit she lied?

The hardest thing about this situation is the way I keep flipping and flopping. I hate the idea of admitting defeat and am truly sad at failing to build a family with Maria.  I try to move forward, and keep falling back into thinking we might work things out.

What I really need is to replace the idea of getting back together with something constructive. After all, nature abhors a vacuum, right?

I told Matthew about my biggest dreams for the book project today. That was a mistake. I could see it in his face. He thinks I’m delusional. Maybe I am. I want to believe my story can help people find their way to getting happy. But maybe I’m just kidding myself.

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